Fear of the Water
by xLonelyDreamerx
Summary: On her way home, Bella hits a man with her track who happens to look identical to the boy who left her. "Maybe I'm dreaming you. Maybe you're dreaming me; maybe we only exist in each other's dreams." E/B
1. Chapter 1: Open up

**Author's notes:** I'm really not into this fandom anymore but with this story I would like to help the characters mature while also address some of the flaws I personally found within the Twilight Saga. This is based on the books and it's canon till Lauren's death, then it becomes AU.  
Forgive any mistakes; other than the fact that English isn't my mother language, I'm also dyslexic (+ I don't have a beta)

* * *

 **Fear of the water**

.

.

.

 _Some ancient call, that I've answered before  
It lives in my walls, and it's under the floor  
If this was meant for me, why does it hurt so much?  
And if you're not made for me, why did we fall in love?  
– SYML_

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

* * *

" **It's hard being left behind. (...) It's hard to be the one who stays."  
– Audrey Niffenegger**

* * *

 _ **February**_

"While it _is_ perfectly normal to be drawn to someone who appears utterly beautiful to you. I believe it was mostly the act of heroism he performed when he saved you from that car accident with your classmate-"

"Tyler"

"Tyler"

"Look, I understand that the way I describe my feelings I might appear obsessed with Edward to some unhealthy degree but I assure you, I loved him"

When she agreed to see a psychologist Bella knew it would be incredible difficult to have sessions without spoiling the beans. She tried to reason with herself that her doctor didn't know the whole story, which is why she jumped to the wrong conclusions.

"I never claimed you to be obsessed Bella, just a bit over depended."

Bella frowned, "He was the one who constantly wanted to do things for me!"

"Things like what?"

Bella sat back and sighed as she remembered, "Like buying me food and expensive stuff, carrying me around-"

Dr. Anderson blinked a few times, making sure she did not misheard, " _Carrying_ you around?"

Bella blushed. "Yeah… like on his back"

"It seems like Edward enjoyed treating you like a child."

"He just wanted to protect me," Bella tried to explain again

"From whom, I wonder." Dr. Anderson got up, poured some water in her now empty glass, and asked her if she also wanted a glass of water. When Bella refused, her psychologist took a seat once again across her.

"Bella, how many seasons have we had till now?"

Bella tried to recall; it was after Jacob had joined Sam's gang. She had tried to reach him via texting, calling, even going to his house, but apparently Bella Swan was no longer good enough for sweet Jake anymore.

The threat of Victoria and Lauren wasn't enough to keep her from falling back to her depression. While she wans't acting as horrible as she did when Edward and his family left. It was obvious to Charlie what had happened, which resulted to many fights between him and Billy to the point that they were no longer on speaking terms.

She had felt so guilty about the fallout, that Bella agreed to go to the psychologist her father had tried to get her to go so hard since November. She caved with the condition that he'd be friends again with Billy and go on with their lives without mentioning about the brief friendship between her and Jake.

The first season was the worst for her because other than the fact she was nervous, Bella didn't know how to open up about her feelings without spoiling the Cullens' secrets.

It was one hour drive with her car which gave her enough time to think about how she should represent her sort depression and make clear to the doctor that she didn't really need her.

However, what she didn't count was the psychologist's questions. The doctor hadn't ask about Edward (probably because Charlie had already told her enough). Instead she chose to talk about her childhood years: what she felt about her parents' divorce, her life with her mother, her holidays' with Charlie, previous crushes, Renée's never ending boyfriends, her non existing friends. It was only last week that they started talking about Edward.

"I've been seeing you twice a week"

"Twice a week," Her therapist repeated. "It's been almost five weeks so it's almost ten seasons."

Bella agreed. "That's right"

"We've spent two seasons talking about Edward, which is about five hours if you count and I've noticed that despite you being the first one to express interest in him, you are not the one who initiated your meeting in the first place, he was very much the one in control of the relationship. Your main goal throughout this relationship was to be with him forever which is something you have yet to explain to me what it means.

Bella felt her head aching; it was true that she had been trying to convince him to turn her but-

 _Maybe that's the main reason he left._ That's why she wasn't good enough for him. How could she, if she had been annoying him constantly with her mortality.

 _I only wanted to help._ I didn't want him to be hurting every time he was near me. She tried to reason with her nasty voice in her head.

 _Becoming immortal and drop dead gorgeous wasn't a bad thing either_

Without realising, tears had started running down on her cheeks. "While he could be a bit overbearing at times, I thought Edward was perfect just like the rest of his family was and- and I wanted to fit into it. I wanted to belong somewhere. I didn't want to look obsessed and drive them away!" Her sobbing cut her off from continuing, and she finally broke down.

Dr. Anderson acted quickly. She got up, grabbed a box of tissues from her office and knelt down next to her. She offered the box, which Bella quickly accepted, and strokes her back, as she tried to calm her.

"There, there, shhh. It's okay. Bella."

"I'm sorry," She blew her nose on the tissue and tried to wipe some tears with the back of her hand. "I didn't mean to cry."

"Bella, what have I said before? It's okay to cry. It's alright to let out your feelings." Dr. Anderson told her softly, patting her back. "Are you well enough to continue?"

Bella sniffed and nodded, "Yes"

"Alright" Her doctor sat sown on her leather chair but not before offering a glass of water which she accepted this time.

"From my understanding, what you truly wanted was to become… a Cullen."

Bella quieted at that, it was true that it was not really immortality that appealed to her; it was the prospect of staying with Edward forever and ever.

"And the root is once again at [ home ]."

"What do you mean?"

"Bella, you grew up taking care of your mother; your roles were reversed. And when you came to live with your father you took the role of taking care of him as well"

"I'm their child! It's _my_ duty to care for them. I'm doing it because I _want_ to." Bella protested strongly.

"I understand, but it's also _their_ duty to raise you and love you. I've met your father and he's a lovely man who loves you dearly but when was the last time you did something together?"

Bella tried to think in vain, "When I was five? I think we painted a bike together." … "But I don't understand what this has to do with the Cullens!"

"You've spent most of your life trying to take care of your mom because of her immature behaviour. In addition, when you came here, you immediately took care of your dad! Your introvert behaviour didn't help much with socialising but suddenly you meet a handsome, mysterious boy whom you're drawn to. You fall for him and on the way, you fall for his family because they are everything you didn't have. You described Esme and Carlisle as the perfect parents and their children unique; every one of them separated. They were the brothers and sisters you never got to have. And when that dream disappeared, your depression worsened."

"I told you before Abigail, I don't have depression! I'm just… sad." Bella told her plainly and she almost winced upon hearing her own voice; it sounded so small and fragile. _So pathetic_

Dr. Anderson sighed before glancing down on her notes. "Now, dependency often accompanies depression. Dependency is a powerful and debilitating thing. Especially if the person you depend on is the only thing that completes you. I accept Edward was your everything. I'm not calling you a liar or insane. Nobody does." Dr. Anderson told her gently. "But you can love someone and you can let him go at the same time. You are beautiful, you are young, you have your whole life ahead of you."

"Figure out what you want, think and chase your dreams because you only live once." The woman advised her

Bella was hesitant to ask but in the end she caved, "It seems like… you know the feeling"

The doctor smiled sadly and replied, "Generally, psychologists shouldn't speak of their personal lives but I think this might help you. When I was your age, I had this crush on a boy I was working with. Unknown to me, he was suffering with depression and when some rumours started going around school he decided to take his own life. He succeeded."

At her pause Bella spoke, "I'm so sorry."

"Trust me... I am too, and I believe that if he were here right now, he would probably regret what he has done. He gave a permanent solution to a temporary problem. Depression is not something to be ashamed off Bella. Some people get better. Others, take longer. Nevertheless, anything is better than shutting your eyes permanently.

"Why are you telling this?" Bella whispered, feeling overwhelmed with an emotion she could not name.

The woman pointed her hands. "Because last week, you forgot to cover your scars. They look deep."

"It was only two times" Bella swallowed and nervously started to play with the end of her blouse. "…I don't do _that_ anymore."

"I figured.

"Are you going to call Charlie?"

Dr. Anderson shook her head, "Everything we say stays between us. It's only if I feel like you're a danger to yourself or others that I will have to warn him." She glanced down at her notes and ripped a page.

"Here are the antidepressants that doctor Potent has prescribed for you."

Bella took the paper but bit her lower lip anxiously. "I won't need to start seeing him though, right?"

Dr. Potent was generally cold and distant. Everything she had imagined a psychiatrist to be.

Her doctor frowned, "Usually, that's the case but after your last meeting he agrees with me about the pills. But if you don't see them working them]n you'll have to book an appointment to prescribe you something else."

"Can't you not do it?"

"Unfortunately, I'm not allowed. Us, psychologists have been fighting for years to have the right to prescribe medication but so far nothing has changed." Bella's concern must have been apparent because her doctor quickly reassured her. "These are commonly used and have been noted to have been the most successful so don't worry."

Bella nodded and hoped they were not at least too expensive.

"Remember to do the exercises I gave you and don't forget to write."

"Yes, doctor-" Bella noticed the look and quickly corrected herself with a half smile. "Yes, Abigail."

Her psychologist smiled back at and embraced her warmly. "I'll see you on Monday, and think about everything we said, hmm?"

Bella promised she would and opened the door to leave.

As she got into her truck, eyes were watching her from afar.

* * *

 **A/N** : I'm unsure. Should I continue? Is anyone interested?


	2. Chapter 2: Under the sea

**Author's note:** Thanks to all the people who reviewed,followed and favorited this story. I'm glad to know that you guys are interested.

I only want to let you know regarding Mike's character, although he's not necessarily important or major in this fic. I refuse to write him as this dumb stalker who is obsessed with Bella Swan as he's portrayed in almost every fics I've read.

He's a normal, ordinary boy with issues and I plan on writing him that way

* * *

 **Fear of the water**

 **.**

 **.**

 **.**

* * *

 **It's beautiful beneath the sea but if you stay too long, you drown.**  
 **– GRRM**

* * *

 _The first time it happened was when I was still working at the Newtons; I've told you about it. My classmate's parents had taken me in for a part time job since the beginning of summer._

"The parents of the boy who pursues you, right?"

"Yes"

 _I was staring at the calendar when Mike came out of the back room, pushing a dolly full of boxes._

" _Hey Bella, I found these stuff in the back. Can you put it out?"_

 _Along with Angela, Mike was one of the few people who were glad that I was back. He still asked me out despite my many rejections and… as odd as it might sound I kinda stopped getting annoyed by it. After having spent so many months feeling pain in my frozen state, I found some comfort over the fact that Mike was still Mike; blond, nervous, a bit cocky and awkward – and still in on and off relationship with Jessica._

 _The world could burn, and turn but Mike Newton would still be the same._

" _Sure. You got a box cutter?" I put my left palm out as I came around the counter._

 _Mike reached into his pocket and pulled one out. The moment I reached it I stumbled and I accidentally tightened my grip on the box cutter._

 _I felt the blood before I saw it._

 _I've always bled and bruised easily, I have a sensitive skin, so I wasn't surprised to see my palm bleeding heavily when I checked for damage._

 _Mike panicked a bit – he doesn't like blood either – but he quickly went behind the counter and dug through a box to find some alcohol._

 _Once he was done, I asked him whether I could go home early. I was surprised he let me; usually, he tries to be professional at work… I think it has something to do with his father. He's strict and hard to please. But perhaps, Mike left me off easily because we didn't have much work that day._

 _As I was driving home, I would often look over my palm and be surprised that I no longer felt the burning sensation that I felt when it happened. In fact, it was like coming down from a roller coaster ride; there was something… thrilling._

 _I tried not to think too much about it, they were dark thoughts but as I would flex my fingers, I would repeatedly think how nice it would be to feel the previous sensation again._

 _When I arrived home, Charlie was already there, he immediately noticed my wound, and he wanted me to go to the hospital, to Dr. Gerandy but I convinced him that I was fine…_

 _And I was. Perfectly content_

 _The next day I would visit Jacob to see the progress of the bikes and the whole thing would be forgotten. Or so I thought. Because in the corner of my mind, every time I would use my left hand I would see the bruise, and even when it faded, the memory of it was still there._

"And the second time?"

"It was after I talked with Jacob."

 _I went home, knowing I could cry freely without worrying about Charlie because he wasn't there._

 _After Edward left me I felt like I was like a lost moon—my planet destroyed in some cataclysmic, disaster-movie scenario of desolation—that continued, nevertheless, to circle in a tight little orbit around the empty space left behind, ignoring the laws of gravity._

 _Jacob was a good distraction at the beginning. I used him and I feel ashamed about it but I just wanted for Charlie to stop being worried. I never thought, I'd feel happiness with him. It was like I was another person. Reckless and free. I had wanted to break the promise I gave to Edward that day – The one that I wouldn't do anything reckless – because he had already broken his, he didn't fade from my memory neither was my life like he had never been in it. I wanted to get even_.

Bella let out a humourless laugh. "I'm such an idiot!"

"The right word is teenager, Bella." Abigail corrected her gently and then encouraged her. Go on"

 _Once Jacob and I… stopped being together… the pain I felt made me think that I was broken beyond compare-_

"But you are not." Dr. Anderson cut her off firmly. "You never will be"

Bella nodded, not really believing her. Perhaps there was light in the horizon; perhaps she could heal but the scars would always be there: an ugly reminder.

Bella closed her eyed and rubbed them with her fists. "We haven't talked since and I haven't tried, and lately I've thinking..."

"Yes…"

"…that I don't want to. Jacob was my friend but I always felt pressured because I knew that he had some feelings for me."

"Isn't the same thing with Mike?"

Bella shook her head, "Not really," Mike could be like a Labrador sometimes: following her around and grinning so hugely every time he saw her that if he was indeed a dog his tail would move every time he saw her, but he would swallow her rejection and try again the next day. Jake was persisted.

"And I don't see him that much anymore – out of school, I mean – now that I've quitted my job."

The doctor looked at her surprised. "Why did you quit?"

Bella bit her lip as she glance at the clock. "I think I overstayed and I don't want to keep someone else waiting." She made an excuse as she started getting up from the chair and gathering her stuff.

Dr. Anderson quickly stopped her with half grin. "You're my last appointment for today." She told her, amusement dancing behind her hazel eyes. "So you can stay as long as you want"

Bella pressed her lips together and as she sat back on her chair, she couldn't help but feel like a child who had been put in the corner for punishment.

With a sigh, her shoulders dropped and she accepted her defeat.

She bit her lips, feeling anxious about her confession. She hadn't spoken to Mike for two weeks, successfully avoiding him at school. Her reaction, of course had caused curiosity within the minds of Lauren and Jessica. Even Angela had questioned her behaviour yesterday.

"He… found out,"

Dr. Anderson didn't seem to be catching on. "What did he find?"

Bella glanced at her wrist and whispered so low that she was surprised the woman across her heard her. "About the cuts"

Her doctor opened her mouth, obviously ready to ask further, but Bella shot her down. "I don't want to discuss it now." She said quickly, feeling her heart beating loudly in her chest. Abigail would respect her choice; it's what Bella liked most about her, she would only try to reopen the subject when she felt like she was ready.

Dr. Anderson shifted on her seat but nodded, not without writing on her little notebook, however. Not for the first time, Bella fought the urge to yank it out of her hands and read furiously what was written about her.

"How's the writing?"

The sudden change surprised her pleasantly. Bella relaxed and almost smiled. "It's going good. I… never realised how much I missed it."

Back in Phoenix, English had been her favourite subject. For her, there was nothing better than writing essays. When she first learnt writing, Renee had told her she would constantly write her full name over and over again, repeatedly on paper. It was no surprise she had been so obsessed with it.

When she was 15, her mother's back then boyfriend had presented her with a hardcore notebook where she would end up writing short poems and stories whenever inspiration hit her.

Moving to Forks had made her drop her little hobby; having a vampire as a boyfriend was time consuming.

"How many times do you write in it?"

On her second appointment, Dr. Anderson had instructed her to keep a journal about her therapy, it wasn't necessary to write a lot. Even a sentence every day is good, she had told her.

"Once a day. I always end up writing a bit too much," Bella chuckled

Her doctor smiled back and said, "There's never too much. I've happy that it proves to be working for you quite well." She said pleasantly. "Some patients don't like expressing their thoughts on paper."

"It's easier for me" Bella admitted, "I have a hard time talking about myself, in general, but on paper… nothing is holding me back."

"That's very good! And even after therapy, you can still keep doing it, like a little diary!"

She didn't really acknowledge that because she generally hated the idea of a diary. Although a journal was practically the same thing, it made her feel better.

"…I wrote a poem yesterday," Bella blurred out, which caused Dr. Anderson's eyebrows to rise high

"Is that so? May I ask the subject or theme behind it?"

Bella felt her throat almost tightening but she ignored it.

She wouldn't let herself get stuck

She would get better, for Charlie.

…and for herself

"Heartbrake"

"And how did that make you feel?"

Bella took a deep breath and tried to focus; the thing about feelings is, you don't ponder over them too much you just _feel_ them so talking about them afterword is always difficult. _How did I feel?_

 _Did the hole in my chest get smaller?_

 _Does the memory of him become easier to bear?_

 _No._ While with Jacob, she had accepted the fact that she would never heal, and she would only learn to live with the pain, now…

"I guess it's like a weigh is off my shoulders?" Bella struggled to find the right words. "Like something that was holding me back… kind of doesn't. It felt…- Do you know when… after the rain it… when it stops raining but the sun still hasn't come out. That in between state…"

… _when everything seems so fragile_ "I should like a nutcase, don't I?"

Dr. Anderson's gaze snapped at her, it was as if she had gotten lost in her description. "No, Bella. I understand exactly how you felt. And you have no idea the progress you've made so far."

She felt a sudden sensation of panic upon looking back at her doctor's eyes that were staring back at her with pride and happiness.

"It was only one poem." She couldn't help but mumbled

Her doctor shook her head and got up. Shutting her notebook and locking it inside her drawer along with other files, she starting packing her stuff

As she kept going, Bella rose from the couch and put on her thick jacket.

"While it may seem small, the ripple effects of small things is extraordinary." Dr. Anderson told her and without knowing Bella would soon think of these words repeatedly.

 _Little things make big things happen_

* * *

 **A/N:** I'm not a psychologist, and I have no experience (unless you count one time when I visited one doctor) so I write the idea of the therapy based on articles I find (and not the way psychiatrists are portrayed on tv/movies – if I followed the Hollywood recipe this would have horror as genre). I've deal with my problems on my own (and I still do) but I can't claim to know 100% what goes on behind the curtains. This is just my version.

If you have any suggestions regarding the portrayal of Bella's depression, or the therapy sessions I will happily hear it.

By the way, it's my headcanon that Bella had some minor depression before moving to Forks which is why things might move a bit slowly. I don't want to rush it.

So, Bella seems to be making a big step. What do you think? Is she telling the truth or is she trying to convince herself she's getting better?

Also, can you imagine what Jacob is doing now since Sam has ordered him to stay away?


End file.
